Warning: Adoptive Incest, Angst
Summary: Noah's drinking leads to a dramatic change in their relationship.
I feel his strong arms wrap around me as he tells me to go faster. I'm on top of him, sweat beading on my forehead and hair in my eyes. He grips my waist and thrusts himself against me. He's an animal tonight, something is on his mind and though he gives me one word instructions and grunts, he is otherwise silent. I do my best to please him, knowing that this will give him some release. I don't always like to do this, or maybe I would if it were for the right reasons. Its not very romantic at all, just a physical outlet, and we pretend it never happened after we're done. We're using each other to cope with what we've been through.
He doesn’t hug me the way he used to. He's physically distancing himself from me, though it doesn’t stop his night time advances. I'm beginning to think he's splitting himself into two people. I see glimpses of the man I called my father, but most of the time he's just an empty shell, thrusting away on top of me. Sometimes I see the crack of a smile, a spark in his touch. I find myself craving those moments. I know most of it is guilt. He feels responsible for the situation we are in now, and for giving into temptation one night.
The night started off normal enough, sitting in our motel room watching TV when he sits down next to me and snakes his arm around me. I smell the faint hint of whiskey on his breath. “He must have hit the bar on his way back” I think to myself. He's been coming home like this more often now and I know this is unlike him. I had never seen him drink more than a beer at a BBQ growing up, but his drinking picked up a little bit after the divorce. I thought it was normal but it hasn't exactly tapered off now that we are on the run living in random motel rooms around the country. I lean into his touch because it has always been comforting to me and let him drape his arm over my stomach possessively I feel the weight on the bed shift and now he is lying beside me.
An alarm goes off in my head telling me that this is inappropriate, but it just feels so nice to be held like this and I know he feels the same way. I place my hand over the one that is draped across my stomach and give it a squeeze to acknowledge him. He kisses the top of my head and pulls me closer to him. We lay like that for a while, each of us silent, and more than likely running through the list of probable scenarios for tonight. We could simply go to sleep and enjoy the closeness, but my intuition tells me he wants more than that. I shudder at the thought, disgusted and turned on at the same time. I have goosebumps from it and he must notice because those long fingers of his are tracing up and down my arms feeling them. I close my eyes and groan at the sensation. I bite my lip as I silently beg him to do more. I feel my hormones take over any semblance of conscience and press my body up against his so that my bottom is directly lined up with him. I can feel him harden at our briefest of contact, but that might be just my imagination. The other arm snakes around me and pulls me even closer. I can feel it now, defiantly not my imagination. I gasp and he must realize that I can feel him through the thin fabric of my shorts. He's undeterred (the alcohol must have stripped away his sense of caution) by this revelation and presses himself against my bottom so I can defiantly tell that he is aroused. I wiggle my bottom against him in an up and down motion stroking him as I move. His hand grips the edge of my tshirt and bunches it in his hand as his knuckles turn white as I continue to brush against him. I am operating solely on my hormones at this moment and even if I came to my senses or was told to stop, I'm not sure if I could.
I felt that I needed him and the only way I could have him would be to completely go over the line into territory we have never entertained together. He mumbles something unintelligible in my ear before I can feel his mouth on my neck. His one hand begins to explore my body, It roams over my stomach, my arms, I feel him touch my legs. Again I'm silently begging him to do more, and he, ever the gentleman, is waiting for me to give a sign that its OK. I try to guide his hands with my moans, afraid to speak so it doesn’t break the spell we are under. At this moment I just need to feel, we both do.
I feel his fingers slip into the waistband of my shorts and then into my panties, he slowly dips a finger inside of me, testing me. I buck my hips against him as his finger strokes past my clit. I hear him chuckle in satisfaction and he begins to slip my shorts down past my ankles and then off. He slips his fingers inside again and I spread my legs so he can go deeper. His free hand kneads my breast as he slowly pumps his fingers inside me. I feel the weight on the bed shift as he removes his boxers and pants. “This is it” I muse. His strong arms wrap around me once more as he spoons against me. He slips his hand between my legs as he slips inside of me, breaking the last barrier between us. He moves inside me slow, gently rocking against me as he kisses my cheek, my neck, and shoulder. I inhale his scent, a mixture of cologne and whiskey, as moan and begin to return his thrusts. I feel his hands all over me, exploring me as his thrusts pick up speed. I close my eyes, my heart pounding in my ear, I can't take the sensations anymore. He begins to thrust faster and harder, the sound of our flesh slapping together and our moans fill the room. I know that he's coming close, I can feel his heart pounding against my back. He nips at my neck again and tells me that he loves me before giving one last thrust and emptying himself inside of me.
I lay there dazed, still in his arms and in disbelief about what just occurred. The spell was broken and reality set in as we lay in bed panting, afraid to look at one another despite what we just did. He slips out of bed and into bathroom where he gets into the shower. He doesn't acknowledge me, and I'm guessing he's sobered up enough to realize what we did. I collect my clothes from the floor and put them back on to regain my sense of modesty. I lie there as I wait for him to finish in the shower, trying to think about what to say. I want to tell him that its ok, that I love him, and that what we did was no big deal. That's a total lie but I want to believe it. I hear the shower turn off and all of my courage melts away as I hide under the covers to pretend I'm asleep. I hear him get dressed and then he leaves the room.